Educating the Retarded Child, by Kirk Johnson

I will begin now with a five part post on the classification of retarded children according to “degree” of their “mental deficit”, according to Dr. (Mr. ?) Johnson.

“Children with low intelligence differ in degree of mental deficit. Consequently, one of the common classifications of such children is based upon the degree of the defect. This classification emphasizes quantittative rather than qualitative differences; it differentiates children according to degree of deficit rather than kind. For this purpose the follwoing subdivisions have been used:

IDIOT

The category indicating the greatest degree of defect is that of idiocy. A child who is an idiot is so low intellectually that he does not learn to talk and usually does no learn to take care of his bodily needs. These children require complete custodial care and supervision, since they cannot be trained even in the simple routines of daily life and do not possess the ability to learn to survive without external support. Idiots have been generally classified as those persons having I.Q.’s of 0 to 20 or 25 on psychometric tests.”

Translation: Don’t take I.Q. tests on a days when you are really stressed and cannot focus. Kirk Johnson will have you commited.

Flavor Flav…?

Last night, Ben Folds performed at the end of Conan O’Brien’s nightly show, playing his most radio-friendly duet with Regina Spektor, “You Don’t Know Me.”  I should have waited until the very end.  O’Brien’s first guest was Mr. Tom Arnold, who was tolerable.  But then, oh THEN, O’Brien and his audience were ushered into that ignominious realm of confusion known as “Proximity to Flavor Flav.”  Mr. Flav showed up wearing a Larry Bird Celtics jersey the size of a mumu, and, of course, his clock.  I understand that he is to be credited (if not thanked) for his contributions to rap and hip-hop through Public Enemy, but I found myself baffled by his every word and mannerism.  This situation rarely bodes well for my patience.  How does one have a conversation with a man who commands the audience to shout your name?  “Flavor Flav!” he commands.  And upon receiving their contrived adulation, he blows kisses at them.  Mwah mwah mwah.  How, um, affectionate. This behavior, however, shouldn’t be viewed as irregular.  Wikipedia informs us, “His visual trademark is an oversized clock hanging from his neck and repeatedly yelling his own name.”    O’Brien even looked baffled, and probably wondered why he hadn’t interviewed BEN FOLDS instead.  Still trying to play the professional, gracious host, he tried to change the subject asking Mr. Flav about his new dance.  Apparently, you can’t be a “real” rap artist these days unless you have a new dance to go with your new song.  We can thank (condemn) Soulja Boy for this phenomenon.  Mr. Flav got O’Brien to join him on the floor.  The dance was about as energetic as a a yoga class in a retirement home, and as inspiring as luke-warm beer.  He’s got more money than New Jersey (which isn’t Texas, but it’s enough); he should develop some common sense and disappear until he has something else to say but his name.

Educating the Retarded Child, By Kirk Johnson

Etiology of Mental Retardation:

(1) Mongoloid children seem to be more prevalent in older mothers than in younger mothers, although mongolism occurs in both.  More than 50 per cent of the mothers Benda studied wer beyond the age of thirty-five when their mongoloid child was born.

Translation:

Old ladies make dumb babies.

“Shopping”

A few days ago my sister and I went to one of the more popular shopping sprawls in San Louis Obispo to run a few errands. She was getting a necklace modified. On the way there, we passed a new shop that had opened, and I could tell just from the mannequins in the window that I would likely never set foot in such a place. It was an Abercrombie and Fitch wannabe, yet somehow even MORE pretentious. But Ro wanted to take a peek, so in we went. I noticed some sweatshirts which had interesting designs and were, moreover, made of rather comfortable material. I thought to myself, “If this is reasonably priced, I might invest.” A sales associate came over and tried to persuade me to do so, but the odds were stacked against her chances of success.

1. The sweatshirt was nearly $200. That figure put me through some mental convulsions, but I maintained my composure nonetheless so as not to be rude.

2. Sensing a tepid and less-than-enthusiastic response, the young woman tried appealing to my sense of popularity. “These are worn by a lot of the celebrities,” she said. “And you can only buy them at this store here, and down in Malibu where they’re made.” Ah. Celebrities. WHY wasn’t I informed sooner? Surely as soon as I put one on, the sound of the crisp zipper enclosing me in comfort will light upon the ears of some swarthy paparazzi who will abandon his Red Bull and dash after me wielding a Nikon with a telephoto lens. In just a few days, I could ingloriously appear on the front of some tabloid ‘neath the headlines “Some Dude Buys Sweatshirt in the Summer!”

I thanked her for her time and moved on. While Ro went to examine the jeans which where equally ludicrous in price, I meandered around, trying to appreciate the store’s layout, which was spacious, though not spartan. Confusing my appreciation for this and the air conditioning as a hidden desire to buy SOMETHING, our saleswoman tried again.

“I don’t know if you saw them, but we also just received some new Chuck Taylor’s,” she confided with satisfaction.

“Wait,” I paused. “You mean Converse, right?”

“Well, yes,” she admitted.

I politely excused myself and went to find Ro so we could leave and make fun of the store.

It WAS a really nice sweatshirt. Don’t get me wrong. But for $200, the thing should have come with a few extras like a turntable and movie tickets. Maybe parking validation.

Have you ever wondered…

whether body parts will fall off of you in old age?

Long time no post?

President Chavez will be assassinated some time early next year.

Good for the world, or just good for Venezuelans?

Discuss.

Coming Soon to ESPN…Maybe

With the winter approaching, it’s time to gather your tissues and clamber around the television for the headlining attraction in the sports world, competitive sneezing. I know some of you may have been paying attention to other more brutal and team-oriented sports, but you’ll find that competitive sneezing is far more entertaining than the fact that the 49ers just can’t seem to stop losing (it might have something to do with a high volume of turnovers). I myself have been on the pro-circuit of competitive sneezing now for six years, and while I’m certainly not the oldest or most talented in this often spurned arena of physical achievement, I was called upon by my fellow sneezers to do what I can and introduce you to this fascinating world that we have all come to love.

To begin with, competitive sneezing is not unlike many of the other, more well-known sports. We have fans, sponsors, rules, referees, and the much beloved instant replay. Every two years an international competition is held at a predetermined location, selected by a panel of judges, many of whom are retired champions of the sport, like Bob “The Hurricane” Simmons, and Shawna Jamison, who wowed audiences in ‘88 with a sneeze so devastating in force it undressed the first row of spectators.

At each of the nationals, contestants must compete in a series of events designed to challenge the form, creativity, and discipline of each sneezer. This is where sponsors are particularly important. There are companies like PneumaCorp., Gusty, and Double Barrel who work hard year-round perfecting concoctions that provide just the right chemistry to instigate a sneeze when one is needed. I myself am sponsored by a small but excellent and family-run company out of Wisconsin called the Feather Group who supply me with a product which is, though a secret of design, not vastly different from hairspray. Other competitors have been known to use various forms of pepper, and some are even wild individuals commonly referred to as “mace snorters;” these often achieve fantastic sneezes, though due to the volatility of their stimuli, many retire early due to chronic injuries or lung failure.

Here are some of the events:

1. “The Juicy-” This sneeze is often the most entertaining, and to perform well many contestants intentionally get themselves sick before the event. A head cold contracted four days before usually produces amazing results. From a sitting position, the contestants are judged on the “quality” sound, the amount of residue they expel, and in what fashion that residue is distributed on the playing field.

2. “The Suppressor-” Though sneezing is a way of life for many of us, we also understand that it’s frequently a faux pas in certain social situations. Using a sensor of electrodes to make sure that an actual sneeze is induced, contestants must restrain their sneeze in as dignified a fashion as possible. This event is always interesting to watch as sneezes are induced with a substance not selected by contests, so the type of sneeze can vary. Facial contortions are frequent and amusing.

3. “The Eliminator-” As an extension of “The Suppressor,” in recent years this event has emerged as the ultimate in demonstrating physical control. Using the same sensors, contestants must find a way to avoid sneezing altogether, and prevent the chain reaction from consuming their diaphragm.

4. “The Call-” Contestants must sneeze in such a fashion that the sonic expression must, while being a legitimate sneeze, mimic other sounds like bird calls or telephones. Women frequently win this event with their ability to capture the essence of small rodents. Maria Lopez from Mexico won the last “Call” with her uncanny imitation of a mouse.

5. “The Bohemian-” This is one of the most well-attended events. The rules are as follows: “Contestants are urged to sneeze creatively.” The fewer the guidelines the more the possibilities. Four years ago, in Beijing, a teammate of mine earned eight perfect 10’s for running across the platform and then executing a sneeze simultaneous to an explosive back-flip in the opposite direction he was running. His previous gymnastics experience helped with the back-flip, and he’d been working on syncopating the flip and the sneeze for over three years. Chinese correspondents had labeled the move “Spirit Fist” in less than 24 hours.

6. “The Big Bang-” Exactly what it sounds like. Microphones are set up to measure how load the sneeze gets. Watch Vladimir “Boom” Brozinzky this year. He’s got a new sponsor called “Nyet-choo!” that has developed a sneezing agent that includes fine vodka.

7. “The Shredder-” Using Kleenex approved tissues, contestants must focus the locus of their sneeze and attempt cut through as many tissues as they can. Many contestants try and auto-induce head colds for this event as well, as wet tissues are weaker than dry ones. The specialists in this event are sometimes referred to as the “napkin ninjas.” Some five foot two 12-year old shredded through 16 tissues at the Beijing tournament. He and his family purportedly have won a lifetime supply of Kleenex.

These comprise the main events of each tournament, though the sport is still growing and the International Sneeze Games Committee openly urges the development of new events to test the limits of the sport. I hope to see you all at the games, or hope that you can catch it on TV. Happy Thanksgiving and, *wink* God Bless you!

Continuing my Domination of this Blog

On the Central Coast, there are a surprising number of people who are of British ancestry. Something drew them away from Jolly Ol’ England, and they come into my store with their accents, and I ask them whereabouts in England they’re from.

One particular gentleman today enthralled me with his rather ribald and witty speech. He holds three degrees in fields as diverse and difficult as chemistry, statistics, and the philosophy of politics. He was glad to hear of my intentions to pursue higher academics and took it upon himself to reinforce the notion that if at the age of 45 I was just sitting on a couch, throwing back six packs, and watching the tele, I’d probably regret it. A portion of the conversation went like this.

“You live with your mum and dad?”

“Yeah.”

“You’re not married, are you?” (trying to conceal possible disappointment)

“Nope, not at all.”

“Yeah, well then just piss off, man.”

“Well, I’ve applied to….”

“Yeah, just piss off!”

I thanked him for his encouragement, and offered my sincere hopes that he would find the proper remedy for his ailing grapefruit trees. There’s just something delightful about cross-cultural contexts of language wherein the same phrase can, in one scenario, be an imperative tantamount to “get lost” and in another signify encouragement in a course of action. Darn right I’m gonna piss off.

Sodom California

Seeing as our world here in Southern California has been looking a lot more like Hell these days (the sky is red and ash is falling from the sky), or as I like to say “Sodom California”, perhaps it should be addressed at this blog. A friend of mine has an irrational fetish with NASA and emailed me captured footage from a Satellite/Shuttle/amazingamericanspaceinvention3000 flying over the fires in San Diego area. Enjoy.

Library Fire Alarm

My law school’s library has a unique mechanism which activates in case of fire. Should someone or something trip the fire alarm, along with the standard klaxon, a veritable portcullis descends from the roof and blocks the main entrance. I mean it. A steel grating descends and blocks the entrance.

I can just imagine the thought process that would invite this measure. “If there’s a fire, people will steal books! Let’s make it harder for people to get out!”

Of course, this means that the innocent students will have just as much difficulty vacating the burning library along with the would-be thieves, but that’s just the price that has to be paid. Oh, and the firemen might have some trouble getting inside.

What makes this really bizarre is that the fire escapes remain unlocked. So the only thing the grating does is decrease the number of exits people can leave through.