Islam vs. Teddy Bears

It has been said that religion is the opiate of the masses (Karl Marx), and as an extension of that, it should be said that people do funny things when under the influence of opiates of any sort. Here in America, we try and swing the two-edged sword of thought and humor against all such foes. During the day, hundreds of young students are recipient to earnest pleadings that they avoid drugs. But come late night television, our media sensations try and intoxicate their audience with the joyfully addictive laughter, and do so often at the expense of those students who did NOT say no to drugs, or still believe they’re capable of drinking and driving without consequence. Yes, I’m talking to you, Lindsay, Paris, Brittany…oh, the list is too long.

By way of metaphor, I say all this just to remark that I’m all for thoughtful, interfaith discussions. Discussion, however, usually requires composition and patience on the part of those involved. The Sudanese government displays something less than these qualities for jailing a teacher over naming a bear Mohammed. An attack on religion? Give me a break. I’ve been doing something thinking, and I think I can understand what they’re upset about. This teddy bear makes Islam (or at least Mohammed) seem too fluffy, loving, and tender. If the bear were, instead of being a school mascot, emptied of its stuffing and filled with C4 to be used as bomb, or perhaps equipped with an AK-47, maybe then it could earn the name. After all, how many suicide bombers have been named Mohammed, and had their actions revered by the same sort of people who, I imagine, don’t care much for teddy bears?

In America religion is constantly under attack, and to attack it is almost a right guarded by the first amendment. Shows like “Family Guy,” “The Simpsons,” etc. all portray Jesus, the Church, and our practices as ridiculous at best. Consider the first scene from the attached video.

Jesus turns water into funk. Ridiculous. And, kinda funny too. But the point is, Seth MacFarlane’s perception of Jesus does not come from supernatural visions, but with his interaction with the Church—with the body of Christ and its many members. When people crack jokes about Jesus, it’s more a condemnation of the poor way I’ve portrayed Him, and poorly I have. How can Christ POSSIBLY be glorified if I get all ticked off and beat them into a pulp (or otherwise humiliate them). Let’s not forget that when the REAL Jesus came to earth, humiliation was this guy’s middle name. He came to SERVE. He let Himself be crucified, holding back the legions of angels who were, I’m sure, sobbing, furious, and waiting for the chance to run Romans through with flaming swords. So when the Church is bashed, when our actions are mocked, when our bad history is brought up, for sins not my own, what else can I say but, “I’m sorry. Forgive me, forgive us, and give me another chance to love you right.”

I imagine that Jesus is not unaware of the constant cultural commentary surrounding his person, and I imagine that some of it makes Him even laugh while most of us are getting all worried about how his reputation is getting dragged through the dirt. Well, who’s dragging it? I wouldn’t be surprised if Jesus, once He has collected all of us, actually did turn water into funk, just to show us that He’s greater than the frowns I wear as if for his sake here on earth. But who do the Muslims in Sudan actually imagine Mohammed was, that he might have been so offended? I can’t help but wonder if they’re not more than a little confused about who they’re favorite prophet was, anymore than Christians are confused. But at least I’ll own up to it.

Long time no post?

President Chavez will be assassinated some time early next year.

Good for the world, or just good for Venezuelans?

Discuss.

Sorry for the continuous stream of reposting!

But here is an excerpt from my favorite sports writers most recent columns:

Those Hollywood Searchlights Around Gore’s Home Sure Eat Power: Gore wasn’t the first quack to win the Nobel Peace Prize, and history suggests he will not be the last. Gore spent eight years in the White House, and in that time took no meaningful action regarding greenhouse gases. The Clinton-Gore administration did not raise fuel economy standards for cars and trucks or propose domestic carbon trading. Though Clinton and Gore made a great show of praising the Kyoto Protocol, they refused even to submit the treaty to the Senate for consideration, let alone push for ratification. During his 2000 run for the presidency, Gore said little about climate change or binding global-warming reforms. In the White House and during his presidential campaign, Gore advocated no consequential action regarding greenhouse gases; then, there was a political cost attached. Once Gore was out of power and global-warming proposals no longer carried a political cost — indeed, could be used for self-promotion — suddenly Gore discovered his intense desire to demand that other leaders do what he had not! It is a triumph of postmodernism that Gore won the Nobel Peace Prize for no specific accomplishment other than making a movie of self-praise. Gore caused no peace nor led any reconciliation of belligerent parties nor performed any service to the dispossessed, the achievements the Peace Prize was created to honor. All Gore did was promote himself from Hollywood, and for this, he gets a Nobel. Very postmodern.

v

First person ever to win the Nobel Prize for Self-Promotional Hectoring.

An annoying complication of Gore’s Nobel is that few realize the award was given jointly to him and to the Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change, an organization well worthy of distinction. The IPCC is a group of scientists who have spent two decades studying climate change in obscurity, and in many cases without pay. The IPCC’s efforts have been selfless, motivated only by concern for society. Had the Nobel Peace Prize gone solely to the IPCC, it would have been a great day. An astonishing measure of how out-of-touch the Norwegian Nobel Committee seems is that it gave a prize to Gore for hectoring others about energy consumption in the same year it was revealed that Gore, at his home, uses 20 times the national power average. Gore’s extraordinary power waste equates to about 377,000 pounds of greenhouse gases annually, or about 20 Hummer Years worth of global warming pollution. (A Hummer Year, TMQ’s metric of environmental hypocrisy, is the amount of carbon dioxide emitted in a typical year of driving a Hummer.) When his utility bill made the news — though apparently not in Oslo — Gore responded by saying he buys carbon offsets. That takes you back to the offset problem: All offsets do is prevent greenhouse gas accumulation from increasing. If you really believe there will be a global calamity unless greenhouse gas emissions are reduced 80 percent, as Gore told the Live Earth crowd, you would buy offsets and cut your own energy use. Instead, Gore flies around in fossil-fuel-intensive jet aircraft telling others: Do as I say, not as I do!

After news of Gore’s personal energy consumption broke, Gore spokeswoman Kalee Kreider told The Associated Press the utility bill was justified because “Al and Tipper both work out of their home.” This raises the question — what kind of work are they doing? Perhaps reanimating Frankenstein; in Frankenstein movies, there is always a lot of electricity crackling wastefully about. Here are other possible reasons the Gores’ home requires so much energy:

John Kobal Foundation/Getty Images

In the dungeon of Al Gore’s home, electricity is being used wastefully.

• Gore is building a time machine to return to Palm Beach, Fla., in October 2000.• The former vice president is doing everything he personally can to cause global warming, so he can claim is predictions came true.

• Gore is growing marijuana in his basement. [Note from the corporate legal department: This is strictly a joke, ESPN is not accusing Al Gore of growing marijuana. We stand by our allegation that he is a sinister kingpin of international rare-bird smuggling.]

• Members of Gore’s species require high power levels to maintain human form.

• Al and Tipper don’t just leave the lights on when they make out, they leave the lights on all over the house.

-Gregg Easterbrook

Amazing Achievments in Auto-Repair

Man uses unorthodox implement to perform tire change…

Coming Soon to ESPN…Maybe

With the winter approaching, it’s time to gather your tissues and clamber around the television for the headlining attraction in the sports world, competitive sneezing. I know some of you may have been paying attention to other more brutal and team-oriented sports, but you’ll find that competitive sneezing is far more entertaining than the fact that the 49ers just can’t seem to stop losing (it might have something to do with a high volume of turnovers). I myself have been on the pro-circuit of competitive sneezing now for six years, and while I’m certainly not the oldest or most talented in this often spurned arena of physical achievement, I was called upon by my fellow sneezers to do what I can and introduce you to this fascinating world that we have all come to love.

To begin with, competitive sneezing is not unlike many of the other, more well-known sports. We have fans, sponsors, rules, referees, and the much beloved instant replay. Every two years an international competition is held at a predetermined location, selected by a panel of judges, many of whom are retired champions of the sport, like Bob “The Hurricane” Simmons, and Shawna Jamison, who wowed audiences in ‘88 with a sneeze so devastating in force it undressed the first row of spectators.

At each of the nationals, contestants must compete in a series of events designed to challenge the form, creativity, and discipline of each sneezer. This is where sponsors are particularly important. There are companies like PneumaCorp., Gusty, and Double Barrel who work hard year-round perfecting concoctions that provide just the right chemistry to instigate a sneeze when one is needed. I myself am sponsored by a small but excellent and family-run company out of Wisconsin called the Feather Group who supply me with a product which is, though a secret of design, not vastly different from hairspray. Other competitors have been known to use various forms of pepper, and some are even wild individuals commonly referred to as “mace snorters;” these often achieve fantastic sneezes, though due to the volatility of their stimuli, many retire early due to chronic injuries or lung failure.

Here are some of the events:

1. “The Juicy-” This sneeze is often the most entertaining, and to perform well many contestants intentionally get themselves sick before the event. A head cold contracted four days before usually produces amazing results. From a sitting position, the contestants are judged on the “quality” sound, the amount of residue they expel, and in what fashion that residue is distributed on the playing field.

2. “The Suppressor-” Though sneezing is a way of life for many of us, we also understand that it’s frequently a faux pas in certain social situations. Using a sensor of electrodes to make sure that an actual sneeze is induced, contestants must restrain their sneeze in as dignified a fashion as possible. This event is always interesting to watch as sneezes are induced with a substance not selected by contests, so the type of sneeze can vary. Facial contortions are frequent and amusing.

3. “The Eliminator-” As an extension of “The Suppressor,” in recent years this event has emerged as the ultimate in demonstrating physical control. Using the same sensors, contestants must find a way to avoid sneezing altogether, and prevent the chain reaction from consuming their diaphragm.

4. “The Call-” Contestants must sneeze in such a fashion that the sonic expression must, while being a legitimate sneeze, mimic other sounds like bird calls or telephones. Women frequently win this event with their ability to capture the essence of small rodents. Maria Lopez from Mexico won the last “Call” with her uncanny imitation of a mouse.

5. “The Bohemian-” This is one of the most well-attended events. The rules are as follows: “Contestants are urged to sneeze creatively.” The fewer the guidelines the more the possibilities. Four years ago, in Beijing, a teammate of mine earned eight perfect 10’s for running across the platform and then executing a sneeze simultaneous to an explosive back-flip in the opposite direction he was running. His previous gymnastics experience helped with the back-flip, and he’d been working on syncopating the flip and the sneeze for over three years. Chinese correspondents had labeled the move “Spirit Fist” in less than 24 hours.

6. “The Big Bang-” Exactly what it sounds like. Microphones are set up to measure how load the sneeze gets. Watch Vladimir “Boom” Brozinzky this year. He’s got a new sponsor called “Nyet-choo!” that has developed a sneezing agent that includes fine vodka.

7. “The Shredder-” Using Kleenex approved tissues, contestants must focus the locus of their sneeze and attempt cut through as many tissues as they can. Many contestants try and auto-induce head colds for this event as well, as wet tissues are weaker than dry ones. The specialists in this event are sometimes referred to as the “napkin ninjas.” Some five foot two 12-year old shredded through 16 tissues at the Beijing tournament. He and his family purportedly have won a lifetime supply of Kleenex.

These comprise the main events of each tournament, though the sport is still growing and the International Sneeze Games Committee openly urges the development of new events to test the limits of the sport. I hope to see you all at the games, or hope that you can catch it on TV. Happy Thanksgiving and, *wink* God Bless you!

Leader of the Free World

Role Reversal

As I apply to grad schools, I am preparing for a variety of negative responses including:

a)  Our dogs ate your application.  Sorry.

b)  We lost your application.

c)  It got cold and we had to start a fire with your application.

d)  The postman was drunk that day, one thing lead to another, and his little truck exploded with your application.

e)  We didn’t like the font you used to write your application

f)   We ran out of toilet paper and…

g)  Your application made for very good home-made cigarettes.  We’ve included the last one for you.

Continuing my Domination of this Blog

On the Central Coast, there are a surprising number of people who are of British ancestry. Something drew them away from Jolly Ol’ England, and they come into my store with their accents, and I ask them whereabouts in England they’re from.

One particular gentleman today enthralled me with his rather ribald and witty speech. He holds three degrees in fields as diverse and difficult as chemistry, statistics, and the philosophy of politics. He was glad to hear of my intentions to pursue higher academics and took it upon himself to reinforce the notion that if at the age of 45 I was just sitting on a couch, throwing back six packs, and watching the tele, I’d probably regret it. A portion of the conversation went like this.

“You live with your mum and dad?”

“Yeah.”

“You’re not married, are you?” (trying to conceal possible disappointment)

“Nope, not at all.”

“Yeah, well then just piss off, man.”

“Well, I’ve applied to….”

“Yeah, just piss off!”

I thanked him for his encouragement, and offered my sincere hopes that he would find the proper remedy for his ailing grapefruit trees. There’s just something delightful about cross-cultural contexts of language wherein the same phrase can, in one scenario, be an imperative tantamount to “get lost” and in another signify encouragement in a course of action. Darn right I’m gonna piss off.

So, um

In my efforts to escape the confines of reality (I am metaphyiscally obese, and therefore given to fits of, um, spiritual claustrophobia), I peruse youtube, which is a nice little portal into the elsewheres. I have discovered a troubling trend of this magical digital land, however. There are many people out there determined to make that magical land suck. They do this by making “music videos.” For example, some user who refers to himself as “blackpantherD” though it would be a good use of his time to overdub a scene from Family Guy with a song from some screamo band called “All That Remains.” This is like mixing gravy with rocky road ice cream, or using barb wire for shoe laces, or blueberry yogurt as dressing for raw spinach, or putting Martinelli’s apple cider into your gas tank because it’s almost the same color as unleaded gasoline. It’s such an undignified marriage of opposites, and yet, I’m sad to say such intrusions into my metaphysical wanderings are not uncommon. Beware, and don’t waste your time with such tripe.